A Diamond and Thorn In My Hand

I have not slept for two nights.

Assignments can really train one to be nocturnal.

Though I know I should sleep but pages in my memory just can't stop flipping.

Staring out, I watch the sunrise.

10 more hours I'm setting my foot to West Kirby.

Wonder what will be written on my next page, I wish I would know.

But, the more I think, the scars that never heal going to feel the salt.

Argh... how painful it is.

But there is no point on crying over a spilt milk.

I shouldn't have come.

I believe it would be better.

But never mind,

I've to force myself to close the memory.

Story book are my best friends.

Bring me to the fantasy land, ignoring the reality.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay there.

Not few hours, I woke up from the dreamland.

If the reality can be as beautiful as my dream, wouldn't it be perfect?

But that is just a dream.

Waking up, I on my laptop.

This is why I drew this and decorate it as my wallpaper.

Smile even though you're feeling blue.

This is the only way to keep me from thinking too much when I see and sense too much.

Though I know I am lying to myself,

But it really makes me feel much better.

Tuning my iTune, I dance,

I dance my anger,

I dance my agony,

I dance my sadness,

I dance my stupidity,

I dance everything I feel,

I feel so much better.

I walk out the room covering the pain, with dance.

Sometimes I wish I could even run,

leaving my pages of memory that I don't wish to carry with in my heart,

But I know, it is just like my shadow.

It will always be there, no matter where I go,

No matter how fast I run!

Argh... How annoying it can be!

It is because, everything that have happened left permanent footprints in my heart and my memory.
No matter how I find ways to washed it away, it is always a permanent stains.

What more can I do?
Whenever I'm not in discomfort, I seem to affect the others,

I have got no choice.
With the same position, same situation, same feeling,
I gotta turn it to something,
Which I don't feel like showing,

Though is not an easy path for me,
Neither I want to show how much I sacrifice,
Or I seem to be like a heroine,
I never seek for all these,


All I want are SMILES,
But I know I can never satisfy everyone.
No matter how much I do,
It'll never be enough,
Sometimes, it is sad to say,
But that is the fact,
that no matter what you do,
You are just not appreciated.


I am born with the heart of sensitivity,
I can detect mostly, most of the time,
Sometimes, I wish I could just born without it,
Cause the more I see, the more I wish I could be blind.
But that's not how life should goes,
I'm taking it as a challenge,
I'm fated to be in this life,
I just cant hide.
Even though people say,
Alcohol can helps,
IT IS A TOTALLY FAKE!


All I can do,
All I have been doing,
All I can go as far as I can,
Till the edge,
I don't mind,
I'm making myself as flexible as possible.
For being flexible, the thorns in your hand do not hurt much.
But how true can it be?
It aches too somehow.

But, I try to forget the pain,
Does that means I'm pretending,
I don't think so.
Cause I'll find my ways,
Keeping myself alive.
Letting the diamond off but then at the same time, I feel the thorn.

So all I can do,
Is try to adapt the changes,
Watching you from afar,
Keeping you safe from falling the edge.
Once again, I'm not writing myself to be like a heroine.
It is just me.


Though I wish I could be there to share the ups and downs,
But I know, I will never be.
For I know I can never provide anymore comfort and happiness to you, my friend.
How I regret it,
How much pain for me to accept the fact,
For to me,
Is just a big failure of a friend to a friend.

However, I have never give up.
I've always try to jump as high as possible to reach your level.
Hopping that I can make it through...

But it will come to a time,

I'll get tired.
I need a break.
I'm just to tired.
I know it is not fair for you,
But I got no choice,
I really need to let loose myself a little.
For I am still a human,
Even machines need a rest.
They can break down,
What more, I'm a human.

By the end of this journey,

Each and everyone of us are going to walk on different path.

Which ever path everyone going to take,

I'll never forget,

Once, there is diamond or thorn in my hand.

For, it is already a permanent footprints in my life.

What lies beyond the horizon, no one will know.

All I know is, you're my diamond and thorn that complete my life.

(Pictures are taken from two photographers; Lam Pui Yee and Stephy Low. Thanks for their pictures to make make up my blog story. Without their pictures, there will never be inspiration.)

A Nightmare

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Someone please wake me from this nightmare and tell me that this did not happen in my country and that Teoh Beng Hock is safe at home with his family.

-yasmin ahmad-

This is posted in Yasmin's blog named The Storyteller, Part 2.

Today upon receiving the news, I wish to say the same statement...

Someone please wake me up from this nightmare and tell me that this did not happen in my country's filmmaking industry and Yasmin Ahmad is safe at home with her family.

Gone Too Soon

Today is exact 30 days Michael left us...
The impact still can be felt everywhere.
Needless to say, a hard core fan like me.
Till today, as I scroll down the music playlist, Michael's song is still my favourite.

His death is not only a shocking news in the music industry arena, but every people who have known him through his music.
I believe, every song writer writes a song for a purpose.
Every singer sing with the blend of emotion.
Every dancer groove to the way the language of the songs.
Hence, all this are the exact thing that I see in Michael.
How many people can dance and moves like him.
How many people really understand him.
Though some may label me as hardcore fan of Michael, I can never understand everything about him.
All I can do is making assumption through his song.
Every human being, only he himself knows himself the best.

Many has asked me before, how come a youth at my age choose to admire a singer who has been considered old.

Too me does it matter? What I am looking at and admired at is someone who can stand out among the rest. Doing the impossible.

It is undeniable that, there are many Michael Jackson outside, especially dancers.
How many youngsters and how many singers are inspired by him?
Everyone adore him, adore his move.
But no matter how many people are able to do that, no one can do it like him.
Looking at him doing it, is just like a magic, and it will always stunt you.
I may sound being bias here for I admire him, but hey, I've put it all away and analyze.
That should be fair enough.

It all started when I am in kindergarten. My mum tune in the radio and told me that this "Billie Jean" is the most famous song when she was young. Everyone listens to it. And at that moment, I was curious, what makes him so successful in being able to reach that fame?
My curiosity takes me to know more about him.

When I was in Standard 2 (8 years old), I watched his life story on RTM 2. Then, as I listen to his song, I relate back to the scenes. Understanding the pain that he goes through. Sometimes, it may sound crazy, it felt like we have something mutual. What brings me connected and even more close to him is not only the way he moves, is his magic touch from his lyrics. In relating to my emotion, my life, they are mostly written there. Not many people understand how I felt, what I am thinking, for I do not know how to express myself, orally especially, and because of him, he seems to be the pillar whenever i fall.

Childhood and Will You Be There? are the songs that I love.
Agony, pain, anger, hatred, all these, makes me want to find a comfort zone.
Looking for someone who can understand me, who can give me strength, who can give me courage, but is never an easy task. To find a shoulder to cry on is never easy.
For I said before, I may be made up of steel in the presence of others. And I will melt when I am alone. Because of all these, his voice is the only one that can soothe everything that I felt at the moment. Even when I am in happy mood.

My reliabilty to his music does not stop there. Stress release, and the need of energy to stay awake, only his music can give me the magic. This are all his power of his music that gets to me.

He is seen as a weirdo in everthing that he make. His surgery, his hair, his molestation case, his protection of his children, his interest, his home and everything else, everyone starts to question him. When he is facing trouble, look at how many people turn their back on him. How many negative things that we hear from others. That's when he really need someone to give him support and strength. But look at how the media portrayed him. Some even go as far as to back stab him. How many disgusted him? He suffered. But did those people stop?

If you ask me how true it is? I do not know. Did he really molest the kid? I don't know.
But what do I care. Does that mean that I have to stop admiring him because of one mistake? NO! Of course not. Even if he really do it, so what? Ain't he a human too? Ain't a star human too? Every human make mistake. Anyway, that's not the main point, the main point is that, I will not stop admiring because of the accusations which I do not witness it with my own eyes and the evidence is not shown. Even if the media said it is, I will not believe it still because of this news can create profit to them. Media hunger for popularity and profit making. Anything can be done in order to achieve it. I myself being in the media line, I do understand it.

All these negative things does really stop. Track back the date to 30days.
Is his death. Now only everyone starts to look at his good side. Everyone buys his album. Everyone says good thing about Michael. What's the point? He is dead. He is safe and comfortable in heaven right now. No paparazzi, no one to judge him, no one to laugh at him, he is free from all his trouble and pain and sorrows. Well, maybe he will miss his children, family and friends.

What's the use of that now? Does he really need it right now? All this should be done when he is alive. Well, I can't blame those who treat him badly previously, cause that is part of human nature in some people.

But everything looks sarcastic doesn't it.

Whatever I say now, can never revive my best virtual fren I can say.
However, he will always live in my heart, and all the other fans of his.
No replacement of Michael Jackson even though you can moonwalk, cause it is never your move.
His music will never die.
The state may not consider him as a legend, well, there's no need to it.
Is enough for his fans to make him as one.

Peace, Michael!

Just the warm up...

Some may have been here to visit and wonder why is it empty still.
On 29th of May, I've touched down at Liverpool at 7.30am (local time here).
However, things has come into mess once we board on the bus.
Worst thing is that I can't get the access to internet.
Hundreds of pictures have been taken.
After so long, at last the wait has come to the end yesterday.
However, I still gotta keep you all waiting before I can post those pictures.
I have not filtered those pictures yet.

Currently, while I'm putting my reasons here, I am half way through doing my proposal which I need to hand in to Eve (my research supervisor). Hence, I gotta stop crapping around here.
My promise, by this end of weekend, I'll tell you the dramatic stuff that I have gone through here once we touched down and set our foot to Atlantic Point (my hostel name).

To be continued...